The other day I woke up at the crack of dawn and ran 2 miles. When I got home the kids were already up, dressed and getting ready for school. They cheerfully helped each other make their lunches and offered encouragement to one another. I heard the lovely sounds of the piano as they each practiced. The smell of pancakes and bacon filled the air as my husband cooked breakfast. All our clothes were freshly washed and ironed. My daughter’s hair was perfectly done and the boys looked handsome with their faces washed and their shirts tucked in. All the school supplies were packed into backpacks with the homework done and ready to be turned in. The baby slept until the perfect time and woke up cheerful and ready to go. We had a lovely family prayer with hugs and kisses all around and everyone wished everyone else a good day.
After my husband left for work and I dropped the kids off at school, the baby and I came home and worked on learning. We played games that helped him learn about letters, colors, and numbers. We had a quick healthy snack and he went promptly down for a 2-hour nap.
While he slept I was able to work on cleaning the house, paying the bills, and doing laundry. I was also able to make up a batch of chocolate chip cookies for the kids’ after school snack and get the dinner preparations under way. The extra casserole went in the freezer for someone in the ward who may need a meal in the near future. As I folded the laundry I made some calls to friends and family who I thought might need an encouraging word.
After lunch the baby and I did some volunteer work at the school. We got a box together for donations of handmade baby blankets for the Humanitarian Center. We also gathered some food to take to the food bank. We took a few plates of cookies around to the neighbors. We spent an hour or so at the library. Then it was time for the kids to get out of school. The baby took a nap in the van while we drove around picking up his siblings.
After we picked the kids up, they happily showed me the tests they got perfect scores on. The boys told me all about their day and shared funny anecdotes about things their teachers and friends told them. My daughter told me all about how she got all her school work done in class and expressed a desire to clean her room once she got home from school.
Once home, the kids first ate a healthy snack consisting of fruit, vegetables and homemade bread. They each had one cookie. Then they gladly and joyfully did their homework quickly so they could prepare for Family Home Evening.
I put the casserole in the oven. My oldest son prepared the vegetable side dish while his brother and sister set the table. The baby happily played with his books. My daughter read aloud to all of us as we quietly worked together.
My husband arrived home just in time to share the meal with us. We chatted about our day. We talked about the new friends we met and the people we were able to help. The kids all complimented me on dinner, and even the baby ate it! Everyone worked together to get the meal and the kitchen cleaned up when we were all finished eating.
We sat down together to enjoy our Family Home Evening. My daughter led the song while her brother accompanied her on the piano. My husband taught a lesson on service and we all decided to do a service project together the next Saturday. My other son created a wonderful treat for us all to share. Even the baby participated by sitting quietly and holding up pictures for the lesson.
After our family scripture reading and family prayers, the children all quickly bathed and went to their rooms to read before bed. They kissed us good night and told us they love us. Then my husband and I spent some time together chatting and sharing thoughts and feelings about our day and our lives together.
And then I wake up from this wonderful dream.
This is NOT the reality of my family. We don’t happily wake up. 6am comes too early at our house. Exercise? Are you kidding me? Frozen waffles and yogurt are main staples for breakfast. Arguing between siblings is very commonplace. Chris often works late. There aren’t any casseroles in my freezer. Vegetables do not get eaten. The only home made bread at our house is made by Grandma Sycamore. The piano is not practiced nearly enough. We are lucky if he have Family Home Evening once a month! After school snacks are eaten in the van and usually consist of unhealthy treats. Homework is a struggle and missing assignments are not a rare occurrence. I can’t remember the last time the furniture was dusted. If I have to listen to Eli’s singing ball one more time I think I might throw it out the window. Hugs and kisses from teenage boys just don’t happen, and small talk around the table from them is fleeting too. What is a clean room? And a phone call to a friend or family member just to chat is a special treat.
It’s real life in a real family and I wouldn’t trade it for the world.
Some people strive for a perfect family. I am striving for a functional family. Which is much better and completely opposite from a dysfunctional family. I know that there are things we can do to make our family relationships better. I read an article in the February 2009 Ensign by James D. McArthur, PHD, Director of the career and counseling center at BYU. He said, and I quote,
“People seem to think that family members in functional families get along perfectly and solve problems together perfectly. Of course, the reality is that calling a family “functional” does not mean the family is perfect. All families face challenges in dealing with the unique personalities of family members. However, in a family that functions well, family members recognize that they have weaknesses, and they work to improve their relationships despite their weaknesses. Indeed, family members will be happier when they strive to apply gospel principles in their lives to improve individual and family relationships.
He goes on to discuss some principles that will help families to function well. As I read them, consider how they might apply to your family. I know there are many suggestions that apply directly to my family.
#1 In the functional family, parents focus their energy on teaching their children correct principles and allowing them to exercise their agency.
We are blessed with the freedom to make our own choices. I am doing my best to teach my children to make good choices and to do what is right. I hope they are learning how important they are and how to live the gospel. I hope they understand how much they are loved. I know that in the end, they will make their own choices in life. I hope they have a firm foundation to stand on, and make the choices that will be beneficial to them. Parents can’t always be around to make remind their children, but we can hope and pray that they will do what is right.
#2 In the functional family, parents intentionally strengthen their families.
Each family member is different. It is easy to expect that they will all have the same ideas and thoughts, but they don’t. It is so important to seek guidance of the Lord when dealing with individuals. It’s easy to fall into habits (I do it all the time) but when we really try to get to know each individual, really know how they think, our families will be strengthened. Figure out what makes them feel loved and act on it often!
#3 In the functional family, relationships are of supreme importance.
Our children argue with each other all the time. But they are also pretty good friends with each other. I doubt they would admit this, but I think it’s true. You make lots of friends in life, but your family is always there. It’s so important to build a strong relationship with your family.
#4 In the functional family, parents are active teachers.
I believe the most important lessons in life are learned in the home. Children learn by example. Talk to your kids. They are like sponges and want to learn! They want to be just like you so always conduct yourself in a manner that you would like to see them conduct themselves. Share testimonies, both your own and those of people they might look up too.
#5 In the functional family, parents lead by example.
If you want your children to read their scriptures, let them see you reading yours. If you want your kids to make their beds, make sure yours is made. Having them seeing you, or even helping you do service for others will help them to see how important it is and also know how good it can feel to serve. Speaking kindly and softly to them will help them do the same.
#6 Finally, in the functional family, parents teach their children faith in our Heavenly Father and in the Lord Jesus Christ.
Primary and Sunday School are very important places for children to learn about the gospel. Seminary is too. Talking about Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ in daily situations will help them to be real for our kids. Share your thoughts and feelings and your testimony with your family often, help them to know their Savior and all he has done for us all.
He goes on to say, “Remember to be patient with yourself and your family members. Relationships usually improve in stages, not overnight. Strengthening them requires time and effort. However, as you strive to have a functional family based on the teachings of our Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ and His restored gospel, you will provide your family the best opportunity you can to grow closer together and to face challenges with a greater sense of harmony and happiness.”
I love being a part of a family. I love that I am the one who gets to take care of all these wonderful people. But it is far from perfect. I know what is expected of me as a mother. In 1995, President Gordon B. Hinckley, along with the quorum of the twelve apostles, presented a message entitled, “The Family—A Proclamation to the World” In this proclamation, we are taught exactly what a Family is supposed to be.
I have learned from this proclamation. I am especially drawn to the section that reads:
THE FAMILY is ordained of God. Marriage between man and woman is essential to His eternal plan. Children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity. Happiness in family life is most likely to be achieved when founded upon the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ. Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities. By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners. Disability, death, or other circumstances may necessitate individual adaptation. Extended families should lend support when needed.
This is what I am striving to do in my family. I am hoping to teach the 4 beautiful wonderful children that have been entrusted to me about how much they are loved by their parents and by their Heavenly Father. I am trying so hard to be a nurturer and to show and teach compassion. Which is sometimes easier said than done, but I am trying! Chris is a good provider and is doing his best to preside over our family with love and righteousness. Everyday we work towards these things. We aren’t successful in all things everyday, but we are working towards the end goal of being together forever with each other and with our Heavenly Father. I know the areas I need to improve on and am working on those areas all the time. I am so thankful for all the opportunities I have been given to improve myself and to help my family. I am so thankful for my family. I love them all so very much and am honored to be a part of something so very important and wonderful.
Oh, and I am also working on getting a few more vegetables into our diets too. Starting tomorrow.
(talk given by me as a part of the Relief Society Presidency on 2-26-2012)
